How Is Your ‘Helping’ IQ When a Loved One Is Hurting?

Compassionate Love: Displaying Compassion for Those Who Struggle with Mental Illness, Addiction, and Abuse   (c)2018  Nancy Virden, Always The Fight Ministries

The other day I was looking at IQ information online.  There is some debate about what tests and measures of intelligence actually prove. They cannot provide insight into the character of a person or even how they perceive the world. For example, one report suggested that artists may not do as well as scientists on IQ tests because of their point of view. 

A woman who loved her forty-something year-old son, would mention his need for a better job  every time she visited. I believe she meant no harm. Her idea of helping was to try to control circumstances.

She asked me one day what she was doing wrong because her son was distancing himself. What I told her and have pondered since, is the basis for this post.

A world of difference between control and healthy concern

Are you concerned for a loved one who is struggling ? Take a moment to look at the following comparison. A higher ‘helping’ IQ will fall on the concern side.

CONTROL 
Knows the answer 
Desires results above all 
Expresses frustration, anger, disappointment at slow or ‘incorrect’ results, places blame
Seeks ways to “fix” the situation or person, manipulative 
Wants in on gossip or rumor, or spreads such 
May feel overly anxious at the prospect of situation or person not changing 
Feels guilty if they cannot fix the problem 
Does not listen 
Offers pat answers, quick-fix solutions, or false hope based on incomplete understanding of person/needs 

CONCERN
Humble, ready to learn
Wants to extend love above all
Patient, respects other person’s right to choose
Offers aid when asked, or asks before helping. Straight forward
Respects the privacy of others
Feels concern, some worry and anxiety, yet also feels peace by letting go what they cannot control
Feels empathy, pain, or grief, but does not have to own what is not theirs
Actively listens, validates, is genuinely interested
Does not offer what one does not have, is honest and realistic, offers hope based on wisdom

If you see the difference between control and concern, and if how you have tried to help falls more on the control side, you have time to change.  Talk to your loved one and let them know. Ask for their input and listen.

Today’s Helpful Word 

 

 

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