Tag Archives: betrayal

Betrayal, and Moving Past It

Compassionate Love: Displaying Compassion for Those Who Struggle with Mental Illness or Abuse  (c)2019 Nancy Virden, Always The Fight Ministries

green palm tree leaf
Photo by Jonas Von Werne on Pexels.com

Of course today begins Easter week 2019. This particular Sunday is called Palm Sunday. It commemorates a day 2000 years ago when a man entered Jerusalem surrounded by cheers and applause, only to be betrayed to death 4 days later.

When Jesus, who had proven to be a miracle worker, showed up in Jerusalem this particular Sunday, he was already famous. He had healed people, cast out demons, and even raised a few persons back to life after they had been dead for a while.  Naturally then, he was big news.

A Messiah, or “anointed one” had been promised by prophets for thousands of years. The nation of Israel in Jesus’ day was occupied by the Roman Empire. Jewish citizens expected the Messiah to free them from this oppressive rule.

Many people believed Jesus was the promised Messiah (which he was). Problem is, most   had no clue what he was talking about when he preached about an eternal kingdom. They thought he was their new political and military king.

This is why they cheered and threw palm branches on the ground when he entered Jerusalem.

A few days later, he was arrested when one of his own disciples betrayed him. The happy crowd turned on him too. He wasn’t meeting their short-sighted expectations.

Isn’t it awful when a person holds unreasonable expectations of you and then turns on you because you do not meet them? This happens in many a divorce, I am sure.

My first reaction in such situations is hurt, swiftly followed by anger. Unfortunately, the anger tends to stick around. Anger keeps me justified. I can continue to blame the other person for being a jerk while exonerating myself of all wrong.  This does not help!

There is a better way.

The healthier and more beneficial way is to talk it out with someone in the know. Honestly considering my role in any fallout is actually healing. I can forgive myself for real instead of imaginary mistakes, and make amends if it is appropriate. Either way, life moves along.*

Jesus’ response to betrayal was not angry.  He gave up his own life – no one took it. His reason for doing so was anything but suicide by Roman Soldier. He died, literally, so we may find life. More on this on Maundy Thursday and Easter Sunday, this week.

Today’s Helpful Word  

John 12:12-14 

The next day the great crowd that had come for the festival heard that Jesus was on his way to Jerusalem. They took palm branches and went out to meet him, shouting,

“Hosanna!”

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”

“Blessed is the king of Israel!”

*Domestic abuse and child abuse are products of unrealistic expectations. If you have been so betrayed, I want to encourage you to not remain a victim. Speak up. explain what you can and cannot do. IF THIS IS A DANGEROUS IDEA, DON’T.  Instead, tell someone else who is in a position to help. I offer many options on my resources page, The Truth About Abuse.

**** COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME

NOTE:  I am not a doctor or mental health professional. I speak only from personal experiences with and observations of mental and behavioral health challenges.  In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.
If you are struggling emotionally today or feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.
If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S.  (for international emergency numbers, go here ), or go to your nearest emergency room. Do not be alone. Hope and help are yours.

 

 

Fight Self-Destructive Bitterness: Know What’s to Love About Mercy

Compassionate Love: Displaying compassion for those who struggle with mental illness   (c) 2017 Nancy Virden, Always The Fight Ministries

An ex remarries.  An adult child refuses to visit.  Friends withdraw when you struggle with a chronic illness.  Someone hurts your body.  You are treated like a nobody at work.  No one believes your story.  On and on the possibilities for bitterness go. 

“Love mercy” is one of the tenets of right living mentioned in the Bible.  Sure, it feels good to forgive someone and to move on, but love mercy? I would rather love being the better person in a situation.  Although it is easy to see how much mercy people and God have extended to me,  somehow  humility is not the automatic go-to in the face of maltreatment or perceived betrayal.  

Love mercy? When I love something or someone,  that emotion is noticed in the moment.  I don’t have to conjure up good feelings later.  I pursue what I love, search for it, and am happiest when the object of that love is near.  

Mercy Heals Us Emotionally

I need more to go on than mercy is a good idea.  The following is a list of mercy’s characteristics I admire and can choose to proactively love with all my heart.

  1. It is beautiful watching other people succeed. Whether a child matures or a thief turns generous, we like happy endings. We cheer on fighters who overcome. Extending mercy is a powerful way to affect someone for the better.  Watching that is cool.
  2. Mercy brings healthy humility, which in turn heals the merciful person.  It exchanges the need for revenge and becomes gratitude. Humility recognizes that imperfections make us all human. I may not like the way someone treats me, but humility asks, have I treated anyone this way?  Mercy’s attitude is pleasant to feel. 
  3. Mercy is a picture of God in the world. Soulless and evil are terms we use to describe those who take advantage of others without a conscience. Mercy is proof that evil does not rule the earth. We are not helpless when we choose mercy.  Mercy is uniquely capable of overcoming evil.   

Love mercy? More I think about it, the more attractive it becomes.  Its loveliness is worth pursuing. If I want to see it in action, it will have to come from me. 

Today’s Helpful Word

Micah 6:8

No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

*********COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME.

NOTE:  I am not a doctor or mental health professional. I speak only from personal experiences with and observations of mental illness. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental health care.

If you are struggling emotionally today or feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Hope and help is yours.

For Peace of Mind, Embrace Your Complete Past As-Is

Compassionate Love Blog: Displaying compassion for those who struggle with mental illness   (c)2017  Nancy Virden, Always the Fight Ministry

Hundreds of uncategorized blog posts.  Hundreds of old posts in need of editing. Hundreds.

Day after day for the last three and a half months I have worked at repairing five years of work. At the start in 2012, some of my ideas were incomplete and in a few cases, wrong.  By ditching the most questionable and fixing the rest, I am rewriting history. Within a few weeks the archives will seem as if I’ve been articulate from the beginning. 

That is how I want to be understood and remembered. Well-spoken, wise, helpful… also non-conformist, irreverent, challenging the status quo and false piety.  Ironically, I may be better known as the opposite of the above, at least by some people. 

One mother said, “I wish my teenagers could remember their early years when we shared so much laughter. They will not remember me from then – they will only recall these tougher years when I have to be strict and more disciplinary.”

Darn it. She’s right. The negatives of my family of origin are easily recalled. I’ve written and spoken about the open hostility, emotional neglect, and abuse. However, am I rewriting history by focusing only on the bad (albeit very bad) stories? Truth needs no repair.  Fuzzy and shrouded good memories are still memories.  

Some of my fondest remembrances are due to my dad, the same man I credit with near-total destruction of my childhood. It’s confusing, and yet reality.

He took me for long drives, allowing me to choose “turn right” or “turn left”.  Once convinced I had him thoroughly lost, his challenge was to get us home, which invariably he did. 

On these fun outings he would point out falling stars, roaming deer, full moons, and other points of nature. In those days, falling stars were rare, and deer were not often seen. He would say, “Remember – this is once in a lifetime.” 

He could not have known that one day deer would leisurely munch in my backyard, or that meteor showers would be forecast. You see, it is not the end story that determines a memory’s value. What made it special in the first place was quantity time with my dad.

So it is when pain pierces a nice memory.  Good does not become fake when simultaneously mixed with evil. Most of my life I separated the two, and obliterated positive experiences from my mind. If hurt, betrayal, or abuse was reality, then pleasantry, trust, and safety were not. 

I write this as a warning to anyone who thinks similarly. That black and white interpretation of life will remove peace of mind and prevent joy.  

I urge you to look at both realities. Yes, some memories are agonizing. Accepting that fact is hard yet healing. Also factual are those moments beauty, kindness, or reprieve flavored life. Try very hard to focus on those. Give your past a break by embracing history in its fulness.

Today’s Helpful Word

Psalm 32:22

And I said, “This is my fate;
    the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
    I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.

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NOTE: I am not a doctor or mental health professional. I speak only from personal experiences with and observations of mental illness. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental health care.

If you are struggling emotionally today or feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Hope and help is yours.

 

What Can Dissociation Look Like? Terri’s story

Compassionate Love:Displaying compassion for those who struggle with mental illness   (c)2014 Nancy Virden

Reflected AbstractionHer typically wandering emotions halt, paralyzed in fear of the truth. Breathing had once been easier, hadn’t it? Forcing air to her lungs, she wonders why she is trying.

It’s ridiculous to let this get to me, she thinks as her mind edges back to the safety of denial. It doesn’t work this time; truth is staring her down. She’s been betrayed by the love of her life.

Rising from her chair, movement seems strained as if she is blocked somehow. Nothing hinders her physically; the surrounding haze is as thick as a brick wall and more impenetrable. This is part of her depression disorder, although anyone might feel this way under these circumstances. 

Walking toward the kitchen intending to finish washing the dishes, her eyes are captured by light streaming through a window. She stands, staring, as if waiting for a bird or perhaps a talking tree to assure her she will be okay. Honestly, she doubts she would believe even them.

He threw me away.

Her thoughts are the betrayers now as they argue. You did this. This is your fault. If you were a better wife, a more desirable woman, a stronger person…

No, he used me. I’ve been nothing to him…

You are a fool to think that matters. Your job is to smile and love ‘til death, and if you did your marriage would work!

No!  God knows I tried. He understands betrayal…

That woman on the phone is right. You are unforgiving, hard-hearted, and disobedient to God.

Finally, I think I have the courage to leave the dumpster and be who I am created to be!

You’re a fool!

I know. Her head drops and shoulders stoop as she gives in to old pangs of false guilt. Pain stabs inside her abdomen. Exhaustion leads her back to her seat and she slumps into her chair. Once again, her mind freezes as her emotions shut down. She hates feeling; it is too excruciating. Life is full of conflicting sensations and thought wars. Maybe if she would just disappear…

With that she leaves the room, her situation, and reality. If anyone asks her where she is, the question will go unanswered as she doesn’t know and doesn’t care. The haze hugs her tight, squeezing her into oblivion.

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*Dissociation (not dissociative disorder) is a common means of taking an emotional vacation, a rest. It is similar to having your mind wander because you are bored. You can return from that daydream and actually not remember what happened during your daydreaming.  With a dissociative disorder, a person may watch real life as if outside their own body, play the actor, and/or “lose” periods of time.  It is important to remember that diagnosis follows observation of clusters of symptoms, their intensity, duration, and level of distress they cause. If this is an invasive part of your life, seek professional counsel.  Here is more information: https://psychcentral.com/lib/in-depth-understanding-dissociative-disorders/3/

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NOTE: I am not a doctor or mental health professional. I speak only from personal experiences and observations of mental illness. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental health care.

If you are struggling emotionally today or feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline     1-800-273-TALK (8255). Hope and help can be yours