Tag Archives: true love

What is True Love? Not This…

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Every form of abuse is about power and control. True love is about mutual respect and honor.

PLAYGROUND BULLY: I’ll punch you if you don’t give me your iPhone.

PHYSICAL ABUSER: I’ll punch you where no one will see the bruises, act the hero, and tell everyone you’re crazy if you try to talk about it. No need to give me the iPhone.

SEXUAL ABUSER: I’ll hurt you and have fun doing it, then you’ll know your worth is bound in how you satisfy me. I own you and your iPhone.

VERBAL ABUSER: You &%#$! Give me the iPhone you little piece of $%&! Oh, you can’t give me the phone because you’re a nobody. You’re worthless.

EMOTIONAL ABUSER: Give me your iPhone because if you do not I will not love you. If you want it back you have to give me what I want or I won’t love you.

FINANCIAL ABUSER:  Your money is mine. My money is mine. I will decide how much you can keep or spend.  iPhone? You don’t need an iPhone because I want a new set of golf clubs.

SPIRITUAL ABUSER: If you do not follow the religious guidelines I made for you, you will go to hell. Guideline one: give me your iPhone.

Today’s Helpful Word  

1 Corinthians 13: 4, 5

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered…”

 

***** COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME

 

NOTE:  I am not a doctor or mental health professional. I speak only from personal experiences with and observations of mental and behavioral health challenges.  In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care.

If you are struggling emotionally today or feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, in the U.S. call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or for a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.

If you are suicidal with a plan, immediately call 911 in the U.S.  (for international emergency numbers, go here ), or go to your nearest emergency room. Do not be alone. Hope and help are yours.

Finding Your True Valentine

Compassionate Love Blog: Displaying compassion for those who struggle with mental illness   (c)2017  Nancy Virden, Always the Fight Ministry

mtjgojoFor women anyway, (must come from that standpoint since I am one), the concept of a knight in shining armor coming to the rescue is either embraced or dismissed. Strong women on both sides share the universal need for unconditional love. If that includes wanting a partner to soften or remove emotional pain, so be it. 

Men I suspect are hoping for a softer love, an adoring fan. Men with great hearts who would never take advantage, and instead seek equality in a love relationship, still need unconditional love. If that includes wanting a partner to offer comfort, so be it. 

True love is not about sex, buying a house, having a family, great vacations, or making money. Some or all of these are hopeful outcomes of true love. Just as a car does not stop being a car even if it’s engine freezes, so true love exists beyond our expectations for it. 

Men and women disappoint in relationships. That is not always out of meanness, yet we are human and naturally selfish. Extending kindness and sacrifices like time, energy, a listening ear, and learning to communicate love in the way a partner hears it best, takes an effort. Much of it pushes personal agendas aside. 

Selfishness by its nature is tempted to force its own way. Good people can occasionally cross over to the “me, me, me” way of thinking. This is temporary and worked out through communication, repentance, and perhaps mental health care. There is a chasm of difference between disappointment when a relationship does not meet the needs of both people equally, and power and control.  

Power and control are the opposite of self-sacrifice, no matter what a partner may claim. Manipulation (trying to force one’s personal agenda through deceit – half-truths, broken promises, or playing emotional games), is a form of power and control. Threat of the removal of love is a type of coercion.

Exerting force over another’s body, purposely twisting a partner’s words thus creating confusion, and causing a person to question the value of life or trust, is abuse. If one member of this duo has to set aside a sense of individuality so the other can feel good about himself or herself, this is abuse. 

Hot or cold, tension and dread, fear and self-doubt – these are attributes of an abusive relationship. A predictable cycle begins with calm, tension, abusive behavior, the “I’m sorry”s, and then calm again. Over a period of hours, days, months, or years, this cycle is unending. One could draw it on a chart. 

No one has to settle for abuse.

True love does not act like this. True love consists of valuing each other above disappointing moments and difficult circumstances. True love is described eloquently in the Bible as, “ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV)

It goes on to add, “Love never fails.” Since humans disappoint from time to time, what can “never fails” possibly mean? 

There is Someone who is capable of maintaining perfect true love and meeting our needs all the time. Perfect love emanates from a perfect being, a Spirit we call God. God’s very nature is love. It is impossible for him to lie. He offers mercy and justice. He promises to never leave

Sacrificing His one and only procreated son for the sake of us mere mortals, proves His is true love. Taking us into His heart before we even chose to love Him, is confirmation His love is unconditional. His loving arms at times are almost a physical presence.

This is my Valentine’s Day wish for you. As Saint Paul once said, I pray that you will “grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge.” 

In other words, come to know your Soulmate. 

o2cuheeToday’s Helpful Word

Psalm 23:3a

“He restores my soul…”

 

COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME (see tab below)

NOTE: I am not a doctor or mental health professional. I speak only from personal experiences with and observations of mental illness. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental health care.

If you are struggling emotionally today or feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Hope and help is yours.

pictures from rgbstock.com

 

What is True Love? Not This…

Compassionate Love: Displaying compassion for those who struggle with mental illness  (c)2015  Nancy Virden

photo-24737764-a-man-holding-the-globeEvery form of abuse is about power and control. True love is about mutual respect and honor.

PLAYGROUND BULLY: I’ll punch you if you don’t give me your iPhone

PHYSICAL ABUSER: I’ll punch you where no one will see the bruises, act the hero, and tell everyone you’re crazy if you try to talk about it. No need to give me the iPhone.

SEXUAL ABUSER: I’ll hurt you and have fun doing it, then you’ll know who is boss and that I own you and your iPhone.

VERBAL ABUSER: You &%#$! Give me the iPhone you little piece of $%&! Oh, you can’t give me the phone because you’re a nobody. You’re worthless.

EMOTIONAL ABUSER: Give me your iPhone because if you do not I will not love you. If you want it back you have to give me what I want or I won’t love you.

FINANCIAL ABUSER: I will tell you how much of our money you can have and I will withdraw our money from you when I do not like how you are using it. iPhone? You don’t need an iPhone because I want a new bike instead.

SPIRITUAL ABUSER: If you do not follow the spiritual guidelines I set out for you, you will go to hell. Guideline one: Give me your iPhone.

******

NOTE: I am not a doctor or mental health professional. I speak only from personal experiences with and observations of mental illness. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental health care.

If you are struggling emotionally today or feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Hope and help is yours.

*pictures from qualitystockphotos.com

 

If It Hurts, Is it Love? (Part 2)

Compassionate Love: Displaying compassion for those who struggle with mental illness  (c)2014 Nancy Virden

The first of these two articles describes three situations and family relationships. I had recently been told, “People can love someone and still do horrible things to them.”  Perhaps it’s my black and white way of thinking that will not allow me to accept this idea.

Why it stumps me doesn’t matter anymore; I just have to flat-out disagree. Love is an action, not a feeling. Sweet, warm and fuzzy feelings in and of themselves are not love.

Watching that pretty girl walk down the street and thinking,  she’s hot. I think I love her! is not love. It may feel powerful and be confused with love. Follow-up behavior determines what is love.

Unless the would-be lover devotes himself to her wellbeing, it is not love. If he cannot back-off when she asks him to, it is not love. If the idea of committment and remaining faithful to her through chronic illness, childbirth, death in the family, mental illness, or loss of youth or beauty turns him off – it is not love.

Love hopes all things and endures all things. Of course, when we love someone who loves us back, it feels awesome. These warm and happy emotions are not necessarily true love. 

Here’s a test:  When wonder and joy slack off a bit, do we choose to behave lovingly anyway?  Are our hearts still devoted to their wellbeing?

Do we call it love when we lose our identity, emotional or physical health, or our safety for someone who refuses to be kind? Love never fails. Never. However, if I take advantage of you, insult you, or hurt your feelings on purpose, I am being a jerk. I am not loving you.

If you have expressed your dislike for how I treat you and do not see long-term change in my behavior, I am not loving you. Love does not insist on its right to be abusive. Regardless of any excuses, it is true love’s job to stop abuse. Immediately. Every time.

Love is humble. It admits when we blow our opportunity to show kindness. It apologizes. It does not mindlessly repeat the same hurtful behavior. It focuses on the wellbeing of the person we claim to love.

No, no one can love a person and do horrible things to them. Abusers claim they do. They are flat-out wrong.

******

NOTE: I am not a doctor or mental health professional. I speak only from personal experiences with and observations of mental illness. In no way is this website intended to substitute for professional mental health care.

If you are struggling emotionally today or feeling suicidal, or concerned about someone who is, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Hope and help can be yours.